okay, let's talk about interrupting

::: communication styles

hi there — this post is free. with the world re-worlding itself, it’s getting harder for me to justify pay walls. i want as many tools as possible to be available for as many people as possible right now. but like many of us, the shifting direction of my offerings here and elsewhere are asking me to trust in acts of reciprocity of all forms more than ever (hello, trade economy!). so while it wouldn’t be the first time i was delulu, i dream about delivering more time and energy into writing and teaching if resources allowed. to demystify the income landscape of this modern blogger, i currently make ~$4/mth from paid subscriptions here (thank you current and past supporters!). i also know things are precarious and tight. a monthly subscription may not be in the cards for all readers, but you can also offer a one time gratuity here if my resonance work has felt supportive and meaningful to you. thank you, as always, for being here. 🌀

i would also love to hear from you and for you to hear from one another! prompt::: what are your thoughts on communication styles? lemme know in the comments. ✍🏽

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is interrupting a social faux pas? why do people interrupt? does it have a purpose? what should our response be to interrupting?

self-disclosure — i interrupt. it’s a conversation pattern i internalized from growing up with high energy, and at times anxious and impatient, parents. interruption is sometimes a helpful habit and sometimes it’s not. sometimes i interrupt intentionally, sometimes mindlessly. sometimes it bothers people. sometimes it doesn’t. i’ve grown to take more accountability for it and to apologize when it happens. i notice people are quick to excuse me and say i didn’t interrupt them, even though i did. hm…

in general, we move and talk too fast in conversation to complexify our communication patterns with one another. our tendency towards transactional communication means we deliver the info, move on, and stew later. couple that with our propensity for conflict aversion and we exacerbate the tension in our work, organizing, social, and familial relationships. we avoid exploring the nuance of conversational patterns. the path to untangling this dissonance is specific to each relationship and each individual, but self-awareness, pace, and curiosity feel like critical practices for us to turn out attention towards during collapse. more mindful communication is needed everywhere.

interrupting is one of the many communication patterns to explore in order to cultivate resonance in our relationships. it’s not enough to hide behind a habit and expect all of our relationships to accommodate us. we must attune to the response of the person we are communicating with while also remaining flexible and curious about communication styles that bother us. there’s a give and take that is missing from the right-wrong rigidity that plagues us. but we can work with these parts in us to open more room for choice in how we navigate conversations.

probably for good reason, there’s a trend in Portland of calling people out for interrupting. i’d like to see us call in. cancel culture excludes. it says, “if you say or do something i/we don’t agree with, i will exile you.” calling out is punitive and exile is painful punishment, perhaps the most painful. it feels mis-aligned when groups who fight for justice are unaware of their replication of the patterns they are fighting against. rather than leaning in to restore, cancel culture jumps to extremes. we must learn to hold more complexity than this. we must learn to read the signs from our body and nervous system before we are consumed by the cancel monster and rupture the relationships we need to navigate increasing chaos and uncertainty.

interruption can be problematic in that it takes air space from the other person. it interrupts not just the sounding of words, but also the flow of the mind. it causes people who may need more time to develop their thoughts to feel rushed and stressed. that stress spikes cortisol and activates people’s protectors, or trauma responses. someone who is being interrupted frequently or who is sensitive to interruption is likely to go on the defense.

an away trauma response might look like growing quiet, avoiding interactions with an interruptor, or withdrawal from the conversation. a towards trauma response might feel like a surge in energy or pace of the conversation as the person tries to match the energy of the interruptor. an against response may look like a call out, agitation, or straight up aggression. it may be in the moment, but it is often after the conversation that someone who is activated by interruption will realize what impact the interruption had on them.

interruption can be helpful when someone is dominating the air space. there are many nuanced socio-political considerations to attune to case by case, but as a futurist who believes we are shaping the future now, i believe in spaces that support both equity and equality of voice, depending on the context, topic, and identities present. there are times in a group when someone’s personal story has become a consuming force in the room and a turnaround is needed. there are times when someone has been speaking far too long, much longer than feels fair or balanced to the person being talked at. interruption can be a social cue that its time for another voice. there are also instances where interruption both comes from and generates excitement about a topic. this is often the case among my friends or an excitable group of people engaging in a high interest topic together.

my interrupting part is most often present when i’m excited about something. it also comes online when i’m trying to find my place in a conversation where i feel like another person is dominating. this part also jumps in when my sensitive nervous system is overstimulated in a group of three or more people. these days, i value slowness and pause in my conversations with others as much as possible. i tend to thrive in relationships where this is a shared practice, and especially appreciate spaciousness in my meetings and gatherings that support presence, my own self awareness, and room to take accountability for my communication patterns.

spacious communication shouldn’t feel like a luxury, but it often does, perhaps increasingly so. and i long for a culture that prioritizes space like this, that is focused less on the product of the conversation and more on the integrity practice within the communication itself.

interrupting is just one lens through which to explore the different communication styles people have. without this curiosity and attunement, we can easily perpetuate escalating conflict and dissonance in our relationships because our frustrations and activations are cumulative. it’s important to know what kinds of communication patterns fluster you and which feel preferential.

for instance, i really struggle with indirect communication, sometimes circular, too. this means when i’m talking to someone with this communication style, i need more grounding, more breathing, more patience, more presence, and also an awareness for when i need to interject or ask for more clarification or just straight up tell a person that i’m struggling to understand them. my way of communicating is not THE way of communicating. and there are no rules. cultural humility, self awareness, and curiosity are needed everywhere.

curious to know a little bit about spectrums of communication styles? below are four spectrums of communication styles.

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Spectrums of Communication Styles¹

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Direct ⇔ Indirect

Direct: “Say what you mean. Tell me how it is.”

Indirect: “It feels like a draft in here.” (this may mean please close the window)

A direct style may feel blunt, aggressive or even impolite to those who prefer an indirect style. An indirect style may feel dishonest to those who prefer a direct style, as if the indirect speaker is holding back information.

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Linear ⇔ Circular

Linear speech is sequential, does not overlap, and gets to the point quickly.

Circular speech unfolds around a main point, may involve stories, and may not name the points directly.

A linear style may feel uncreative or even insulting to a person who prefers a circular style. The person listening with a linear style might become impatient; they may be thinking, “Get to the point.”

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Emotionally Expressive ⇔ Emotionally Neutral

Emotionally expressive refers to feelings strongly displayed.

Emotionally neutral refers to feelings more subtly expressed.

An emotionally expressive style may feel threatening to those who are not familiar with it. An emotionally neutral style may feel flat, dishonest or that the person speaking is uninterested in those who express their feelings strongly.

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Interrupted Speech ⇔ Uninterrupted Speech

The interrupted communication style allows for overlapping each other’s speech.

The uninterrupted style allows for pauses in between speech silence.

An interrupted style could feel impolite and overpowering to those with an uninterrupted style. An uninterrupted style with pauses may feel uncomfortable to those who are not used to silence.

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helpful? great. notice that each of these are a spectrum. i don’t always interrupt. sometimes i’m circular in my communication. sometimes i’m direct to the point of being overly blunt.

here are some reflection questions to explore as you consider communication styles in your relationships:

• what are my communication styles? where do i lie on the spectrum?

• are there people or situations where i am more likely to embody one style over the other?

• which communication styles evoke responses from me? which feel resonant, pleasing, and easy? which feel dissonant, aggravating, and tiresome?

• are there people or situations where i am more or less likely for a communication style to feel dissonant?

• how might exploring communication styles with others be beneficial for my relationships?

• what are my tools for staying present and listening with a person who has a very different communication style than i do?

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1. Paula Manley Consulting, based on the work of Fons Trompenaars, Charles Hampden-Turner, Edward Hall, Geert Hofstede, and Nancy Adler (adapted)