fuck breath work, i'm drowning
inhale + exhale
[✍🏽 writer’s note: if you’re a touch annoyed by my irreverence for writing conventions, parts of me are also experiencing that. i’m just trying on some things after decades of rigid adherence to arbitrary rules. thanks for your curiosity:::]
the first time i had a nervous breakdown was during my 5th year teaching in 2015. i went to see a therapist for a consultation hoping to find some relief. i described my symptoms: foggy-headedness, extreme lethargy, insufferable mood swings, depression…
they told me to breathe.
i left that consultation beyond irritated. fuck that. breathe?! i was in physical and psychological crisis and all they could tell me to do was breathe!? like the thing my body did by itself without me needing to think about it!? i decided that that therapist was a joke.
reflecting back on a version of myself that would judge the shit out of the person i am today, i wonder what i would have needed to more seriously consider the importance of breath back then. i was at a big tent clinic with a mental health provider who no doubt saw clients for only 30 minutes, back to back, all day, everyday. that said, what i wish that therapist had done at the time was to teach me about the connection between my breath, the nervous system, and my symptoms. i didn’t learn basic nervous system literacy until three years later.
the second time i had a nervous breakdown was towards the end of Trump’s first term. i started IFS therapy and began to shift my life away from the education system outside and towards a system obliterated by internalized oppression inside. both of which were making me sick. my overwork addiction patterns were my complete undoing in the education system where drawing boundaries with students felt impossible. and my overwork patterns didn’t subside in the private sector either. the train really came off the tracks when i became unemployed in 2020.
i know people don’t often put workaholism in the same category as drug and alcohol addictions, but they fucking should. at rock bottom without work and at the beginning of lockdown, my world chaos. i couldn’t sit still. i stumbled through the days on the verge of a panic attack and drank through the evenings to distract myself from myself. i wasn’t communicating with anyone, not even my partner. and even though i had years of experience with mindfulness at that point, i couldn’t wake up. i was disembodied, dissociated, and caught in a trauma response freeze. i didn’t have any tools available to me in that state.
and then one day, something — some part of me that seems to me now like an angel or ancestor or guide from everywhere and nowhere told me to sit the fuck down and breathe.
i have a notoriously terrible memory, but i distinctly remember this moment. the sun was shining through the windows. i wore a long summer dress. i was about to rush off to the next thing i didn’t need to do and instead i sat myself down. i stayed with my breath for a few minutes::: watching the air at my nose and my body rise and fall with the breath. and i experienced some relief for the first time in months. i had a moment of peace.
this was the turning point in my long road towards nervous system healing, trauma healing, and coming back into my body for the first time in memory. and it all began with turning to the breath. returning to a practice that has literally saved my life began with a few minutes of attention to the present. three became five, then ten, fifteen, twenty minutes, and then eventually I could spend an hour or more seated still and quiet with my breath as I built relationships with an inner world i had neglected.
deep breathing, especially through the nose calms the nervous system. when the nervous system is relaxed, the protectors in your system — the ones that take on roles to help you survive chronic stress and disregulation (thank you, thank you) — are able to relax as well. suddenly we have a higher self online. the mind is quieter. the body softens. we are able to find some space.
in general, incredible things become more possible in the system as the body integrates this sense of safety. even if the world feels like it’s spinning out of control (because it is for now), a still point becomes available.
we can find center.
raise your hand if you avoid breath work because you’ve felt claustrophobic or anxious during a guided breath work exercise. 🙋🏽♀️ not all breathing exercises are equal and not all breathing exercises are meant for all systems. there are interesting things to discover in pranayama practice, but we don’t have to complicate breath work. it can be as simple as watching the body breath, counting breaths, or listening to the sound of the breath move in and out of the body with ujjayi breath. if it doesn’t feel good to you to manipulate the breath — don’t. you are the expert of your own system.
now, conscious breathing is built into some part of my day on most days. i follow the breath when i sit down for morning meditation. i guide my clients with simple breath work before we drop into the system to work with parts or to arrive together. i take a few conscious breaths when i notice my body tensing as i’m learning a new chord or lead pattern on the guitar. i breathe during floor work to invite my body to release and let go into the floor. i watch my chest rise and fall, expand and contract to help me go to sleep at night. and sometimes i forget to breathe and catch myself holding my breath. of course i fucking do, cause this life is stress…
what at one point felt like a silly, pointless, and insufficient practice for the level of distress i was in became the key to bringing my system out of its stuck fight/flight response. over time i developed an increasing capacity to stay with the breath and let it relax not just my physical nervous system and the body, but also the internal systems of the psyche. it’s not that i don’t still experience a spinning, disorientation in my system anymore. it’s that the space between these episodes is much longer than the amount of time i’m caught in them. breath practice is not the only reason for that, but it certainly helps. its the most accessible.
i know how hard it can be to prioritize something like mindful breathing in the chaos of these times. but since you’re here, take a moment to notice how incredible breathing ::: inhaling and exhaling ::: truly is. most of us take for granted that the body will breathe on its own. the breath may be shallow or blocked, but for now anyway, the lungs will inhale and exhale as they know to do, and we’ll continue living. we’ll stumble around and feel like we’re drowning. we may forget to remember that breath medicine is always an available and precious resource to us.
you’re not underwater forever yet, love. breathe.
📣 POP updates
Parts on Parts: Embodiment + Parts Work Basics series will begin again in march. this series is an experiential, introductory workshop of three 3-hour sessions that teach Internal Family Systems and Thinking Body Feeling Mind basics alongside guided practice. space is limited to six people per workshop and will run at a minimum of three registrants. all workshops are offered at a sliding scale and will be held at our emerging space in North Portland, Ground Floor Studios. at a quick glance, this series includes:
POP part 1: meaning + mapping - sunday, march 16 from 11:30am-2:30pm
POP part 2: relationships + conversations - sunday, april 13 from 11:30am-2:30pm
POP part 3: patterns + constellations - sunday, may 18 from 11:30am-2:30pm
you can learn more and sign up for one or all workshops in the series HERE.